it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
