I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
