Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
