I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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