I have demons in me.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
