She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
