im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Lo siento on account of my penis...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
