omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
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