can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
