Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
