i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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