i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You are the jesus of drinking
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
