I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
