I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
