I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
