Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
