i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
