Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
