took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
