Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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