I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
