You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
