I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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