If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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