What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
