def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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