i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
as a side note pls kill me
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
