I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
