Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
