Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
