I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
