He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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