If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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