The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
