Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
