please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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