God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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