wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just invented taco cereal.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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