I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
