That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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