3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
