I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
