The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
