Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
