I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
