Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
