You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
