So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
