you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
