I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
