I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
