At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize