You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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