Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize