i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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