mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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