god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
