I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
