It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
