Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
