the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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