I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
